Rachael Lindberg, LPC, SXI
Afterglow Counseling & Coaching, PLLC
Hi, I’m Rachael, and I am a “recovering perfectionist and an aspiring good enough-ist.” I first read this phrase in The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown when I was in graduate school and it really resonated with me. After I spent middle school, high school, and college with ridiculously high levels of anxiety due to perfectionism around my academic performance, I knew I had to change something or I would not survive graduate school. I still have to remind myself that “good enough” is absolutely okay, and that my best will look different every day, and that is okay too.
The first thing I had to learn was that perfectionism is not “bad.” I was conflicted about its role in my “success.” It gave me a false sense of safety that if I did things perfectly, I could never fail. However, this was warped because we cannot be perfect 100% of the time. It created a lot of pressure and shame when I made a mistake or performed at a level that I was not proud of. Perfectionism often disguises itself as a positive trait—after all, what’s wrong with wanting to do your best? But perfectionism is more than just a desire for excellence; it’s a mindset that can be harmful, fueled by fear of failure, criticism, or rejection. When we fall into perfectionistic habits, we set impossible standards for ourselves and feel crushed when we inevitably fall short. The key to overcoming perfectionism lies in understanding how it differs from healthy striving and learning how to let go of unrealistic expectations.
Perfectionism vs. High Achieving
While both perfectionists and those who identify as high achievers set goals, their approaches are different. High achievers set challenging but attainable goals and feel satisfied when they meet them. Perfectionists, on the other hand, believe everything must be flawless all the time. This rigid thinking often leads to black-and-white views of success and failure. For example, a high achiever might feel content after delivering a good presentation, while a perfectionist will fixate on every small detail that wasn’t “perfect.”
The driving force behind perfectionism is typically fear—fear of not being good enough, fear of letting others down, and fear of making mistakes. In contrast, healthy striving is driven by a desire to grow, learn, and find joy in the journey. Shifting your focus from fear to growth can make a huge difference in your well-being.
The Challenges of Perfectionism
Living with perfectionism can be exhausting. You might spend excessive time on minor tasks, second-guess your decisions, or avoid taking risks because of the fear of failure. This constant need to be perfect can lead to procrastination, as the pressure to meet impossible standards leaves you feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed.
Perfectionism also impacts self-esteem. When you tie your worth to unreachable goals, you set yourself up for disappointment. No one is flawless, and no one can meet perfectionistic standards all the time. This constant striving can lead to anxiety, depression, and a cycle of self-criticism.
Please note that high-achieving personalities can also struggle with anxiety, fears of failure, or high standards/expectations for themselves or others. The description of high achievers that I am using is meant to describe and separate the differences between unrealistic, unhealthy standards of perfection vs. a healthy striving for high achievement and attainable, realistic goals.
How to Move Toward Balanced Thinking
The good news is that perfectionism can be changed. Recognizing perfectionistic thoughts is the first step. When you notice all-or-nothing thinking, challenge it. Ask yourself if the task really requires perfection or if “good enough” can be enough. It can be helpful to remind yourself that some situations call for attention to detail, while others do not. Not every decision is life-or-death, and not every action needs to be flawless.
Try to reframe your thinking to focus on the effort and progress, rather than the outcome. This can help you appreciate your strengths and accomplishments without feeling consumed by flaws.
Therapy and Self-Compassion: Tools for Change
Therapy is an effective way to work through perfectionistic tendencies. With the help of a therapist (like me!), you can explore your strengths, develop balanced thinking patterns, and build self-compassion. Therapy can provide a safe space to challenge the core beliefs that drive perfectionism, allowing you to see yourself as a whole person with both strengths and weaknesses.
Self-compassion is another powerful tool. When you treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend, you start to see that mistakes are part of learning, not a reflection of your worth. Embracing self-compassion allows you to take risks, make mistakes, and grow without the fear of harsh self-judgment.
Building Shame-Resilience
Perfectionism and shame often go hand-in-hand. When perfectionists fall short of their standards, they may experience intense shame, feeling as though their worth depends on their achievements. Building shame-resilience is essential to breaking this cycle.
Shame-resilience involves recognizing when shame surfaces, understanding its triggers, and reframing those experiences. Start by identifying situations where you feel inadequate, incompetent, unlovable, not good enough, not worthy, or whatever other lies our shame brain tries to convince us are true. Rather than letting shame isolate you, share these feelings with a trusted friend or therapist. Opening up can reduce shame’s power, reminding you that everyone struggles and that you’re not alone.
Self-compassion plays a significant role in shame-resilience. By offering yourself kindness in moments of perceived failure, you create space to learn and grow. Instead of equating mistakes with worthlessness, view them as opportunities for self-discovery. This approach not only fosters a healthier relationship with yourself but also helps you embrace imperfection as part of the human experience. I use Brene Brown’s shame-resilience techniques to foster self-compassion and challenge the negative beliefs that reinforce our drive for perfectionism.
Embracing a Healthier Approach
Letting go of perfectionism doesn’t mean you’re giving up on your goals or your identity as a high achiever. Instead, it means allowing yourself to be human. Striving for excellence is about putting forth effort and being proud of what you accomplish—imperfections and all. By shifting from perfectionism to healthy striving, you can find greater satisfaction, reduced stress, and a more balanced perspective on success and failure.
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