Rachael Lindberg, MS, LPC, SXI
Afterglow Counseling & Coaching, PLLC
It’s common to worry about sexual compatibility, especially if you and your partner have different levels of desire. Society often sends the message that frequent sex equals a successful relationship, but that’s far from the truth. Libido varies greatly and doesn’t define your connection. Research shows that about 80% of couples experience times when one partner wants sex and the other doesn’t. We learned through TV, social media, pornography, or books that sex should always be spontaneous, and if it isn’t, there is something wrong with you or the relationship.
Differences in libido are like differences in preferences—whether it’s coffee versus tea or being a night owl versus an early bird. They don’t make you incompatible; they make you human. Addressing these differences is about communication, flexibility, and understanding, not about matching each other perfectly. Dr. Emily Nagoksi emphasizes that the only thing sex “needs” to be is consensual and pleasurable. The frequency or what you do during sexy time isn’t the determinant of whether you have a healthy sex life or not. Sex therapy can help you explore and identify the factors that contribute to your desire and how to build communication strategies for talking about sex and strategies for change.
Exploring Causes of Desire Discrepancies
Desire differences can be influenced by physical, emotional, or relational factors. Physical causes might include medical conditions like hormonal changes, chronic pain, or medications. Emotional influences like stress, depression, or anxiety can also play a role. If you’re concerned about low libido, it’s wise to check in with a healthcare professional to rule out any underlying medical causes. We often assume low libido is related to changes in hormones, and it can be, but sexual desire and relationships can be complex, so it is important to identify the other factors that may affect your desire.
Types of Sexual Desire
Dr. Emily Nagoski’s research highlights three types of sexual desire: Spontaneous, Responsive, and Contextual. Spontaneous Desire is when arousal happens without much stimulus, while Responsive Desire is a reaction to sexual stimuli. Contextual Desire is shaped by circumstances, like stress or relationship dynamics. Understanding which type resonates with you can provide insight into what sparks your desire and help you communicate your needs to your partner. The majority of people experience Responsive and Contextual desire, rather than Spontaneous. It’s important to relearn how we experience desire so we can adjust our expectations and identify areas for change. It is easier and more enjoyable to work with our bodies and emotional experiences, instead of against them, or impatiently waiting around for a Spontaneous Desire that hasn’t been our norm or baseline.
Fostering Intimacy on Your Terms
Once you understand your own desire type, you can start creating the conditions that encourage intimacy in your relationship. This might include non-demand, non-sexual touch, a romantic setting, or even small acts of kindness that make you feel valued. Taking the time to explore and honor these needs can enhance your connection without focusing solely on the frequency of sex.
It’s essential to communicate openly with your partner about what feels right for both of you. Perhaps it means adjusting household responsibilities or carving out time for meaningful connection. Learn what you need to create a context that advances or contributes to your sexual desire. Finish up the dishes, take a warm bath, and send the kids to Grandma’s as often as you can so you can free up the brain space you might need to even begin to think about intimacy. Relationship therapy can also be a helpful tool in understanding and navigating how to identify your ideal contexts together.
Embracing a Pleasure-Focused Approach
Instead of measuring intimacy by how often you’re having sex, focus on what brings you pleasure and connection. It could be a quiet evening together, a shared laugh, or a gentle massage. Prioritizing pleasure over specific acts allows you to enjoy the journey without the pressure of meeting certain standards. Embracing differences in desire can deepen your relationship and create a more fulfilling, nuanced intimacy.
Remember, compatibility isn’t about being exactly the same—it’s about understanding, respecting, and celebrating each other’s unique needs. With open communication and a focus on shared experiences, you can foster a connection that feels authentic and satisfying for both of you.
Day, L. C., Muise, A., Joel, S., & Impett, E. A. (2015). To Do It or Not to Do It? How Communally Motivated People Navigate Sexual Interdependence Dilemmas. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167215580129
Nagoski, E. (2021). Come as you are: the surprising new science that will transform your sex life. Simon & Schuster trade paperback edition, revised and updated. New York, NY, Simon & Schuster Paperbacks, an imprint of Simon & Schuster."My partner and I have differences in libido. How can sex therapy help us navigate this?"