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“I feel so guilty when I set boundaries. What can I do to feel more confident in my boundary-setting?”

Rachael Lindberg, LPC, SXI

Afterglow Counseling & Coaching, PLLC


Setting boundaries can feel daunting, especially when it comes to managing relationships and expectations. Many of us fear that establishing limits might upset others or lead to feeling guilty. However, setting boundaries is a vital aspect of self-care and emotional well-being. It’s important to recognize that your needs are valid and deserve to be prioritized. I also believe that setting boundaries is meant to maintain relationships, not to punish or control other people. Below are strategies to help you navigate this challenging process while managing any guilt that may arise.


Two women sit on a sofa drinking coffee and talking

1. Understand Your Needs


The first step in setting boundaries is to understand your own needs and values. Take some time to reflect on what is most important to you in various aspects of your life, whether it’s work, friendships, or romantic relationships. Consider journaling your thoughts or creating a list of values that resonate with you. For example, if you value your family, then you might set boundaries around your work hours. By gaining clarity on what you truly need, you’ll be better equipped to communicate those needs to others confidently. 


2. Recognize People-Pleasing Tendencies


If you struggle with people-pleasing, setting boundaries can feel particularly challenging. People-pleasers often prioritize others’ needs above their own, fearing rejection or disapproval. Recognizing this pattern is crucial. Understand that people-pleasing can undermine your self-worth and lead to resentment. By acknowledging your desire to please others, you can begin to shift your mindset and understand that your needs are just as important.


3. Communicate Clearly and Kindly


Once you have a solid understanding of your boundaries, it's time to communicate them. When you express your needs, aim for clarity and kindness. Use “I” statements to convey your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, you might say, “I need some quiet time to recharge after work,” instead of, “You’re always so loud when I come home.” This approach fosters a sense of collaboration rather than confrontation and reduces the likelihood of defensiveness from others.


4. Anticipate Pushback


When you begin to set boundaries, it’s common to face resistance or pushback from others. Remember that not everyone will immediately understand or accept your boundaries, especially if they are used to having their own needs prioritized. Anticipating this reaction can help you prepare emotionally. Remind yourself that your boundaries are about protecting your well-being, not about rejecting others.


5. Manage Feelings of Guilt


Feelings of guilt often accompany boundary-setting, leading us to second-guess our choices. It’s essential to acknowledge that these feelings are normal. Here are a few strategies to manage them:


Reframe Your Thinking: Instead of viewing boundaries as selfish, try to see them as an act of self-respect. By prioritizing your needs, you’re better able to show up for others in a more authentic and supportive way.


Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. Remind yourself that it’s okay to put your needs first and that everyone deserves emotional and physical space.


Reflect on Past Experiences: Think about instances when you didn’t set a boundary and how it affected your well-being. Recalling these experiences can help reinforce the importance of your needs and diminish feelings of guilt.


6. Start Small


If setting boundaries feels overwhelming, start small. Choose one area of your life where you feel comfortable asserting a limit, whether it’s saying no to extra work assignments or limiting time spent with certain people. As you gain confidence, gradually tackle larger boundaries. Remember, practice makes progress.


7. Seek Support


Setting boundaries can be challenging, and you don’t have to do it alone. Consider discussing your feelings with a trusted friend, therapist, or support group. They can provide encouragement and validation as you navigate this journey. Hearing from others who have successfully set boundaries can also offer inspiration and new perspectives.


8. Revisit and Adjust


Boundaries are not set in stone. As your needs and circumstances evolve, your boundaries may need to be adjusted. Regularly check in with yourself to see if your boundaries still align with your values and emotional well-being. This practice fosters self-awareness and reinforces your commitment to honoring your needs.


Feel Confident in Your Communication


Establishing boundaries is a vital part of maintaining emotional health and well-being. While feelings of guilt may arise, remember that prioritizing your needs ultimately leads to healthier relationships and a stronger sense of self. By understanding your values, recognizing people-pleasing tendencies, communicating clearly, and seeking support, you can navigate this process with confidence. Allow yourself the grace to grow through it—after all, your boundaries are an important part of who you are.


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